I used to have a much more care-free attitude about life. The me I was as a teenager is vastly different from the me I am today.I wasn’t afraid of what other people thought of me (and am quickly returning to that frame of mind the older I get). I didn’t make choices based on keeping people out or keeping myself protected. Life and people have changed me and my mind set. Betrayals by friends that I thought would never hurt me, job losses that left us stretched and stressed, relationships that take every ounce of sanity and energy you have to give, watching good people make horrible choices that ruin their lives and hurt those around them. Life. It has made me careful and made trust a huge issue for me.
Trust is what I lack and what makes me want to control. I can’t trust people not to hurt me so I control who gets in – and it’s few who do. I can’t trust God to keep my finances from failing so I control my finances instead of asking Him to guide my steps – and it’s really me who I shouldn’t trust. I have a hard time delegating because I don’t trust that people will follow through – so I control the project so that I won’t be disappointed and wear myself out in the process.
I have come to this place in my life
I’m full but I’m not satisfied
This longing to have more of You
I have been a Christian since I was seven years old and came to a full understanding of what that means when I was sixteen. I have been in church since birth and haven’t missed many Sundays. I know God. I know Jesus. I know in my head Who He is and that He loves me. Sometimes my heart lags behind. “I have come to this place in my life” that I am weary of this mountain and I long to look to Him more and let go of control.
Further and Further my heart moves away from the shore
Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours
Even though I have been a Christian so long and I have been taught these things and know these things about Who God is giving Him control is still hard to do. The longing doesn’t make it easier. This world and how I control my part of it doesn’t satisfy my soul – only my surrender to God will bring satisfaction and quench my soul’s longing. I am moving myself further away from what makes me comfortable and from areas of my life that I can control so that I can say to God “I trust You”, “I want what You want…whatever that is”.
Then You crash over me and I’ve lost control but I’m free
I’m going under, I’m in over my head
Then you crash over me and I’m where You want me to be
I grew up in Southern California and I LOVE the beach. The sounds and smells of the ocean are a huge comfort to me. I learned to ride the waves by body surfing and on a boogie board so very long ago! You have to time it just right or things can go wrong. Have you ever been caught in one of those huge waves? Just tumbling and tumbling and tumbling until you think you just might not make it out alive? That is terrifying – and exhilarating – and terrifying. The wave is not out of control – it is following exactly the course it set out to follow from the beginning. The wave did not change it’s course to accommodate me. I am the one out of control. I am the one who misjudged the situation. That is how it feels to me to give God control of my life, relationships and finances – terrifying – and exhilarating – and terrifying. God is not out of control. He is following exactly the course He set out to follow from the beginning. He does not change His course to accommodate me. I am the one out of control. I am the one who misjudged the situation.
Whether I sink, whether I swim
It makes no difference when I’m beautifully in over my head
Unlike that wave, God will not leave me alone to get myself out of the trouble I have gotten myself into. He will be with me, guide me, direct me and lead me if I ask Him to. I only have to be willing to ask and then surrender control to Him.
A link to the song if you would like to listen – In Over My Head